“I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they’re having sex. I don’t think sex is a big deal. I hated the hypocrisy of it. Men can do whatever, and it’s acceptable.” by Jessica Alba
Before we begin the main "course" let me tell you about what has been taught to me for almost half of my life. As an eastern/asian educated boy in Indonesia I grew up hearing that when I become a man and when I get married my wife must be a virgin. Not only that, I was taught that sex before marriage or pre-marital sex is a big sin.
As I grew up, these teachings more and more seems unreasonable to me to the point where I would ask critical questions like;
- If I as a man must marry a virgin does that mean that I must be a virgin?
- Then how would then one define virginity for a man as there is no physical traits that can be traced verify that a man is a virgin?
- What happens if a man then falls in love with a widow?
- If one truly loves a woman shouldn't he accept her truly and wholly as she is with her imperfections?
- How then a woman would find happiness if she lost her virginity? should she be made to suffer for a mistake that is only partly her responsibility?
These questions kept begging in the back of my mind from the start of my teenage years untill I finished High school.
Slowly but surely I found my answers, that is why I find that the Jessica Alba quote very interesting because it sparked off an argument that I had inside of my head that I thought was resolved over the last ten years of my life. Although for the last ten years I've only shared those thoughts with those who are close to me now that I have this media, I would like to share it with the world. So here we go;
For me at least, I agree that women do not have to be virgins when they get married with the simple reason of equal treatment that if a man expects virginity from a woman he himself should also be a virgin. My other reason is that if and when I truly fall in love with a woman I must accept her wholly as she is because I also expect her to accept myself as is.
On the matter of pre-marital sex, I do not oppose the idea but rather prefer to re-classify the whole idea.
In my view we have to have two categories and they are pre-marital and pre-adulthood sex.
Pre-marital sex is when two people above the age 18 (after Senior High; based on adulthood definition in Indonesia) who are considered as adults engage in a sexual relationship. This classification of pre-marital sex I can go along with. I do not mind when adults live together and have a sexual relationship as they have the right to form their own relationship and define as well as find out where the relationship should be going towards. More ever being adults they are responsible for their own actions and they should be able to deal with any of its consequences.
Pre-adulthood sex is when the two people are minors (18 years old and below), as most probably they are still in high school (whether Junior or Senior) and they are still dependant to their parents. I would never condone sexual acts on or by minors. Being minors they are not equipped to handle the responsibility and consequences of a having sex let alone a sexual relationship.
I seems to be on the fence when she says that a woman should not have to fall in love with a man just because they are having sex. To me this isn't totally correct because a truly sexual experience involves passion and in order to have passion you have to have a certain degree of love. Despite that fact, I do agree that a sexual experience doesn't have to be dictated by the feeling of falling in love and having to end up together.
